Letting Go...and Letting it Happen

I am a recovering OCD case. Most dentists display some level of OCD. I don’t know if the dental school admission board looks for this characteristic during the application process or if they ingrain it in us during the four year program. Regardless, most of my dentist friends are a bit OCD. This is a good thing in the dental operatory to make sure all the margins are closed on crowns and ensuring the bite is just right. However in our daily lives this trait can drive us crazy. I resist the urge everyday to avoid picking up after my family. I cannot enjoy watching television in our living room without getting up to dust the table the television sits on. I used to herd my kids like cattle to get them out the door in the morning so they will not be late for school.

I resist the urge to do this now….instead I take a breath and leave it.

I practice ‘letting go and letting it happen.’ This means I get ‘over myself’ and quit thinking that the whole world is dependent upon me to function. Perfecting this technique has taken an incredible weight off my shoulders…but I still struggle every day.

I think the area where I have the hardest time is when it comes to my kids. I find it so hard to let them make mistakes. I used to be an overprotective mother; come to think of it I was also an overprotective wife, boss and daughter. I was always watching out for everyone. When you are overprotective, the people you are protecting reap the benefits while you bear the stress.

An example is ….packing. We travel a lot. I used to pack everyone’s luggage for them. The first time they packed their own bags my son forgot to pack any shirts. He wore the same shirt every day until we could find a Pacsun store because he refused to wear any other type of clothes at that age.

My husband packed his own suitcase for a police business trip. When he came home I thought he’d had an affair because there was leopard print underwear in his dirty clothes. I asked what was up and he sheepishly said he forgot to pack underwear and had to buy some in the gift shop of the hotel. If you read this close enough you probably picked up on the fact that I was unpacking his bag – which was how I discovered the cute print….well I am a work in progress. I am still recovering.

Funny thing is that when my family forgets stuff they managed to fix the problem. My son sought out a store to buy another shirt and my husband bought some over-priced underwear. Dalton has never forgotten to pack shirts since then and Freddy – well it took more than one time but he finally got the hang of packing underwear. Letting them live with their mistakes and learn to be dependent on themselves is the most wonderful gift I can give them. And I stress less. It feels really great to go and pack one bag now when we travel – mine.

The cool thing is I have discovered the lessons I’ve taught my kids through the years do stick-even if I am not aware of it. When we travel the rule is when we get to the hotel the clothes are unpacked and hung up so the wrinkles can fall out. We have a system (like everything in my life) that ensures we can unpack within 5-10 minutes then we go have fun. When my step-mother in law passed away unexpectedly we had to hurry and pack bags to travel two hours away to comfort Freddy’s dad and help with funeral arrangements. When we got to the hotel I told the kids to hurry and dump their bags in their room and meet us back down in the lobby so we could go to Papa’s house. After we returned to the hotel I followed them to their room to say goodnight. As I came in the room their closet door was open and all the clothes were hanging up just as I had taught them for years.

But it is still so hard. My son totally wiped out the bank with his overdraft charges. It was hard to watch those charges add up but I figured if he did this now at 16 perhaps when he was 18 and in college two hours away he would have this lesson down. Cool thing is when the bank finally cut off his privileges to the card because he owed over $100 in overdraft charges he went to the bank to settle his account. The teller took pity on him and said she understood he was new at this and offered to write off some of the balance. He said that was okay he made the mistake and he would pay the charges. Wow! For years I had preached that there are consequences for your actions. He was listening all this time…he sure had me fooled. The bank still wrote off fifty dollars of his insufficient balance- he just never figured it out.

My family has benefited from the practice of delegation, automation and regulation. I have benefited by investing in them and allowing them to make mistakes and find their own way. I don’t feel overwhelmed and my kids are learning important time and money management skills before leaving home. I am training my kids for their life without me. They know how to take medication, cook and handle money. I am teaching them to be dependent upon themselves- not on me or others. Just like at the office, it feels good to let someone else be in charge of certain areas once in a while and to take care of me occasionally. I no longer feel like I have to control everything and I realize that I am not in this alone. There is nothing better than the feeling you get when you come home to a clean, well maintained house with dinner ready to be put on the table and the smell of candles throughout the house. Your home should be your haven –your safe place. Teach your family members to help you create this haven for you and them.

Still we are not perfect. Have you heard how a tornado can touch down and destroy one house but leave others unscathed? Well my daughter’s room usually looks like a tornado touched down on top of our house but only affected her room. My son’s most commonly asked question while cooking a microwave dinner is “How do I do this” to which I answer my commonly spoken words “read the directions”. Still we are a work in progress and I think we are progressing along just fine.