Debi Williams Sous-Chef in training

I realized something profound today....I cannot cook!

Yes I was trained in chemistry as an undergrad. Yes I managed to squeeze out an A in organic chem and quantitative analysis but when it comes to concocting something edible I am a no-go. I have no idea why my family gathers at my house every Thanksgiving. It's probably for comedic relief because I'm sure it is a pleasure to watch me run around try to make sure a turkey and seventeen dishes are all ready to eat at the same time.

I run a busy dental office. I understand how to manage people and equipment to churn out a consistent, clinically acceptable product on time day in and day out. I am an organized, efficient Doctor of Dental Surgery. If I could only run my kitchen like I do my office.

I love to watch the cooking network. Martha Stewart is my hero. I actually read French cookbooks for pleasure. Whenever I can catch Julia Childs on PBS it is a treat. So it is totally beyond me why I cannot cook.

When I do cook I sure don't need to stray from the published recipe. Experience has taught me well. I remember one meal I got pretty good at making - Chicken Potpie. It was a scrumptous mixture of vegetables, chunks of chicken and yellow gravy. For a topping, the recipe called for Bisquick batter dribbled on top. It made a delectable brown crust. The crust was the first thing to go...everyone jostling in the buffet line on the stove to get the most crust.

Hmmmm my family finally likes something I bake. So - let's make more!

Yes the next time I made chicken potpie I tripled the Bisquick mixture on top. Not a good idea - the crust rose 7 inches. It completely grew through the metal spaces in the top rack of the oven. What a site is was when I opened the oven door after the buzzer went off!    That night noone got crust.

I learned quickly that you cannot bake a spice cake with olive oil. It smells wonderful but tastes - well like olives. I thought it would make for a healthier cake - which it did because nobody ate it!

And there was the time I slow cooked a salt-cured ham in the crock pot for 10 hours. I will give my family credit they tried so hard to eat it but there was not enough bottled water in the house to take the edge off the salt.

I actually thought I mastered the crockpot until the day I put raw chicken in it and forgot to turn it on....for the entire weekend. To this day I cannot stand the sight of spoiled meat.

I have started more stove fires than I can count. One of my most cherished gifts was a kitchen fire extinquisher.

One of my dental assistants signed me up for a cooking class at the local community college. She said that because I had succeeded in school I just needed an academic format to master cooking.... I failed the class.

One day I finally gave up cooking and decided I would try grilling. My dad is a master griller and since I have half his DNA reason states I should have some talent. Right?

 I marinated the steaks all morning then asked my husband to light the grill. He said he would light it in a minute because he was watching TV. I am not a patient person and the directions are right there on the grill lid so... the directions said to turn on the burner you want to light to 'high' (I wanted to light all four) and push the ignition button.

Boy whoever designed the grill sure did call that button the right name - the dang thing about ignited the roof on our deck and my husband ignited right off the couch to slam the lid closed before I burnt the house down. He attempted to stay calm as he explained you light one burner at a time. I informed him the directions did not specify this.

The steaks however tasted great - but I am not allowed to touch the grill without adult supervision.

Ok you knew this was going to have a message beyond me just bashing my cooking skills so here it is..

While I was sitting here writing about almost setting the deck on fire Freddy ran down the hall and frantically asked where the smoke was coming from. There was smoke in the hallway - A LOT of smoke in the hallway. It appeared to be coming from the bathroom but we couldn't find the source. Things were chaotic for a minute. Dogs were running around helter skelter, the bird was squawking, Freddy and the kids were yelling.

It was getting just a little hard to see and breath.

I opened the window and looked around for the source of the smoke. Seeing nothing I starting running my hands along the walls - the first and second walls were not warm but the third was hot- very hot!

I figured wiring had gone bad inside the wall then I looked up and realized someone had hung a towel over a light halfway up the wall. The towel was smoking and as Freddy reached up to remove it the towel ignited. He threw the towel in the bathtub and I turned on the faucet. 

As I sit back down to finish this blog about my wonderful cooking experiencees I realize that although I may not be able to cook with fire I do have the ability to sniff it out.

I feel comfortable in emergency situations...I have been the first responder on a couple of car accidents, when emergencies arise in my dental office I am cool and of course I am the person my kids run to when they are bleeding all over the place. True I have been trained for this but I feel it is also something ingrained in me. This is one of my strengths.

Cooking is not and will never be no matter how many cooking classes I take. So I will delegate cooking to someone with more talent.     

However I am sure that my family will not be as entertained.