I Have a Nasty Mind....

It starts the minute I wake up in the morning...before I even get out of bed.
"Mhmmm you were snoring again....ugh, I have a sinus headache!!!" 

In the shower the one-sided dialogue continues....
"Wow! You can't even bend over to clean your feet- you are getting old"

Looking in the mirror minutes later after getting dressed -
"Look how tight that shirt is on you - obviously those 100 situps a day are not helping that Budha belly"

While applying makeup...
"Hmmm that new face lotion you spent a pretty penny on is not helping the 'fine' lines around your eyes and mouth....I don't know why they call them 'fine' lines- they are certaintly not good looking at all!"




This is the 'mind speak' I listen to every morning within a minutes of waking up. I don't need enemies out in the 'cold, cruel world' - I have one the privacy of my own bedroom.

Later at the office:
"You are running behind AGAIN! Speed up - there are too many patients in the waiting room! You are too slow! What? You are thirsty??? Too bad! Tired? We have only been working for three hours.  Aww poor baby your feet and back hurt?  Well, that's what happens when you let 15 pounds creep up on you - after all you are 45 ...what do you expect? Deal with it and get back to work!"

At home, balancing my checkbook:
"There is NEVER enough money...if you would just work a little harder but NO your stupid weak body cannot handle it - maybe if you were just a little bigger, stronger, in better shape.....yadda yadda yadda.....

My mind is a bully, and my body is the victim.
No, I am not schizophrenic, bi-polar or have multiple personalities...at least I don't think I do, but I do have to admit sometimes that my mind, well, has a mind of its own. 

I don't need a personal coach when exercising because my mind clamors  "MORE! DO ANOTHER SET! DON'T STOP NOW".  The next morning it takes five minutes to unwind my spasmed, twisted, achy body out of bed into the shower.  Of course,all while listening to that little voice in my head telling me how out of shape I am.

I don't need a business coach, parent or a disciplinarian.  I do need earplugs...but no, that wouldn't do any good because this is an 'internal' noise.  And noise it what it is. 

I don't look THAT bad for my age, and maybe I can't reach my toes at 5:30 in the moring, but I know some people who can't touch their knees any time of the day.  Fine lines on my face? Well, I have led a stressful life- years of post grad education and then running an office. I am lucky these worry lines are still 'fine' at this point.

I hardly ever get any complaints at my office when patients wait.  I have been called a lot of things in my life but 'slow' was NEVER one of them.  No one; I don't care how much you make, is satisfied with their income. Finally my body is big and strong enough to do this job or they would not have admitted me into dental school fifteen years ago....would they?

Would they have admitted me?  Does everyone see these stupid wrinkles on my face?  Do I need to speed it up at the office?  Am I losing this battle against weight gain?  Do I make enough money to pay my employees, my bills, send two kids off to college, and fund a retirement account? 

I have a nasty mind. It makes me doubt myself - see the worst in myself. 

But no longer.....

Starting tomorrow, when I wake up and hear the mental chatter I will answer with a tart "that's nice" and go on about my business. Even if I can't touch my toes, cover up the wrinkles, stay on schedule at the office or fit into the clothes I wore last summer, I am doing the best I can.  I am not lazy, undisciplined nor weak. 

Besides, one day dementia or Alzheimers will probably set in! When this day comes, instead of forgetting my memories and  loved ones, hopefully I will forget what my mind just said....