Do you recognize yourself in me?

I am not one of the family members of the slain or injured officers.  That is why I was very surprised to realize at 2am this morning that I am indeed grieving. 

The five stages of grief ...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

Once I heard my husband was safe I felt euphoria like a drug rush.  Reflecting back on those moments I also realized that I acted uncharacteristic for me....I did and said things that do not reflect my core beliefs - my personality.  There was Stage 1 - denial.

As the day dragged on into the next the little problems of life could not touch me.  So the battery was dead on my car - oh well.  So my son made a bad decision - that's life.  However I was not eating nor sleeping. 

Freddy's fellow officers kept in close contact with him. They knew this tragedy would strike a nerve with us - I didn't think it would. I thought this family was over the trauma of his shooting- I was wrong. 

Denial.

Sometime yesterday I started to feel guilty.  My husband survived his shootout, why didn't these guys?  I started to second guess the officers - I even got angry with them.  Luckily I have an understanding husband/officer who listened to my anger, answered my questions and relieved my worries.  He gently told me  'nothing could have been done... The rifle was too big - there was no defense.'

Then I felt guilty that I felt angry. What right do I have to question the officers and their training? What right do I have to be this sad anyway? This is similar to the shooting my husband endured years ago and yes it has opened up not yet healed emotional wounds for our family but I need to suck it up - I don't have any right to feel this bad when others are hurting so much more.

I realized the depth of that pain when I received a text message from my son requesting that a 'random person does not pick him from the school if his dad were to get shot again'. I thought about sugar-coating my answer by telling him that the chances of his father getting shot again are small.  Then I realized he deserved better than that. This is a very real fear he lives with everyday.  I swore to him that I would never put him throught that again.  I would be the one to come get him at school - and then I cried. 

During breakfast in a restaurant people were irritating me.  They were complaining about small town life and the drama of their lives since the last time I had seen them.  Did they not notice my red, swollen eyes.  Did they not notice Freddy was quiet. 

Freddy is never quiet. 

I just stared at them while they complained about their tiny little problems wondering if they realized soon Freddy and I would be among many people who would be attempting to console an entire police force while they buried their comrades. 

I was getting a tad self-centered.  I just wanted everyone to leave me and Freddy alone.  I started getting very protective and possessive of him.  During the last few days I had listened quietly to Freddy talk- encouraging him but not offering my opinion.  However, now all this information was sinking in.  The killers had the option of surrendering! How could anyone doubt this was a justified shooting. 

Welcome to Stage 2 - Anger.  This stage was a little more difficult than denial.

To add to the complexity of this whole grieving process you may not be done with one stage before you begin the next.  No - I am still angry as hell at irrational things and yet just this morning Freddy and I considered not going back Marion tonight.   I urged Freddy to get out of town this weekend to allow him some quiet time.  For a minute we considered not returning tonight to attend the visitation. 

No one will notice if we are not there. 

They do not need us there.

We tossed around the idea of getting up very early tomorrow morning and getting back just in time for Brandon's funeral in the morning.   Yes, let's stay just another night.  It will be all right.  We are not needed.  We know we really need to go back...but I truly believe if I asked Freddy we probably would not go back.  As a matter of fact I have the feeling that if I asked Freddy to never go back...he would agree.

Stage 3 - Bargaining.

Because in reality I do not want to go. 

I don't want to go to the visitation.

I don't want to go to the funeral.

I don't want to experience the pain.  I don't want to see the families...the Chief.  The children.  That is too close to my own children - I cannot even deal with that yet.

I have said all along that I cannot begin to understand the pain the families are going through.  I don't want to go to the funeral because I don't want them to experience the pain.  Wow a little denial, anger, bargaining all wrapped up with the beginnings of  Stage 4  - Depression.

But I will go.  I will be there tonight.  A few of the officers have requested that I attend the luncheon for them between the funerals.  I have been told that I will be a comfort to them...that I have some experience as to what they are feeling.

I disagree.  I feel that what they are experiencing is a hundred times more traumatic than what  I went though with Freddy's shooting.  However, they were there for me  - I will be there for them. 

I will help them feel the pain...

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Grieving is a bitch....especially because I don't feel the right to be experiencing such strong emotions.  But I figured that if I feel this way other people in our community may too.  And I just want you to know that you are not alone.  Do you recognize yourself in me?